Life updates, podcast thoughts and more childfree thoughts

Tuesday evening one of my close friends and I hung out for a bit. We went to the local ice cream place that I’d recently mentioned in my blog. And I got a chocolate dipped cone, with chocolate ice cream. And while this particular place is supposed to be a fast-food place, we waited in the drive-thru for nearly 10 minutes. So that was a bit frustrating. But the ice cream and its cone, were both just as delicious as they were the first time I’d had them.

But before we’d gotten ice cream, this friend of mine wanted to see if they could take off one of the wheels on my wheelchair, in the hopes that doing so would allow my wheelchair to fit in their Camaro easily. But this friend doesn’t usually take apart things with their hands, and they even told me so themselves. But still, I didn’t want to be rude by suggesting they not even try this. So I just let them try, knowing that it likely wouldn’t work well at all…and it didn’t. So this friend of mine came to their own conclusions about what a hassle this particular thing was. But that being said, it was still a disaster because it took us over an hour to get my wheelchair to a place where it would be usable for me again. But even so, it will be a bit wobbly, until my friend can come back to my house and fix it. Ugh.

Wednesday morning my ride was a bit late picking me up from my house; and as if that wasn’t frustrating enough, I barely made it to class on time. That’s always incredibly frustrating to me because I’m the type of person who likes to be early rather than late. But the good thing out of this, was that I’d already gotten one of my classmates’ phone numbers during Monday’s class period. So I texted said classmate on Wednesday to let them know when I’d be on-campus that day. And unfortunately, as I said above, I made it to school right at 11AM that Wednesday. But thankfully my classmate had already told our professor that they’d be bringing me to class. But that being said, I still hate being right on time, or a few minutes late, because both of those things look bad on me as a student/as a person in the world.

I wrote the following FB post Wednesday afternoon that reads:
A recent realization I’ve had about myself: sometimes my heart is much bigger than what I think my actual abilities are, or might be. I don’t fucking know what I’m doing in ASL…but my spirit is determined to at least pass this class…somehow.

A bit later that same day I wrote another FB post which reads:
It’s amazing how someone infantilizing you can turn your world around…and *did* turn my world around. The Director of the OSD and I, along with my ASL professor, had a meeting today about how things would move forward for me in this class. And the OSD Director’s infantilizing me…odly, made me confident and self-assured about learning this new language. I got this…and I’m sure none of you fuckers doubted me…but for a brief moment, I doubted me. But my doubting myself was only because I felt like if I asked people to repeat signs or tell me audibly what signs meant, that these things would mean that I couldn’t keep up with my professor/the other students in class. But my access needs *do not* predict my ability to learn, or to succeed at this new adventure I’ve decided to take myself on. I’ve literally made every single thing happen that I’ve wanted to make happen in my entire life, and this will not be an exception. I’m going to get good enough at ASL that I can converse with people, build lasting friendships/relationships with people…and allow me to experience happiness in a different way. I am a lioness, hear me ROAR!!! Oh, and doubters, BEWARE!! Hurrican Chelsea is alive and well 😂 😂 🤗 😌 ❣️ ❣️

Yesterday morning I got a phone call from OSD’s Director; during this conversation that the two of us had, I was informed that the ASL tutor who’d been arranged to help me inside and outside of class, had called OSD this morning to say that they couldn’t actually do this assignment. This made me livid because as of Wednesday, everything had successfully been set up for this to work out. And IDK why, if this person had been recommended by another department on-campus, this person met with the OSD Director themselves and was even prepared to meet with the three of us sometime soon. So after I’d spoken with the OSD Director in the morning, some time went by, before he’d called me again. And the two of us ended up speaking with each other a few times, just talking about updates to this frustrating as fuck situation. So the latest update from yesterday (Thursday), is that there’s someone who’s going to copy-sign for me, inside and outside of class. This means though, that the person copy-signing does not actually know American Sign Language themselves. And TBH, this makes me a bit nervous, given that I don’t have much understanding of ASL yet myself. But hopefully things will work out with this person…and I’ll make sure that I speak up, if my access needs are not completely being met as extensively as I need them to be.

In a topic in Childfree by Choice, someone posted an article that talked about how artificial intelligence (AI) can help people move through grief. The response I wrote to that thread reads:
I know I’ll be in the minority here, but who are we to judge this method? I’m going to school to become a therapist who helps people through grief and trauma…and sometimes what may help one person, may be considered unconventional by most folks. But I personally, can totally see how having this AI represent this woman’s deceased daughter, could help her heal. Denial can be crippling…and that seems to be true for this woman’s story.

In this same FB group, the moderator posted a topic about how someone who has children wanted to join this group. And like the last time this happened in this particular space, I initially said something along the lines of “I seriously don’t get how people who regret having kids think that joining a CF group is somehow going to help them understand anything about said life choice. I mean, this group is full of us CF folks talking about our distain for kids–it isn’t an informative type of space. If this person wants to learn about this life choice, there are much better resources that they could learn from than our group.”

What I’d said was clear and to the point, right? Nope; another member of said group felt that they had to comment on this thread to let people know that the person this post was about, happened to be related to them. I’m not sure why they felt the need to even bring that up though. And so, then I replied to said comment, saying something like “I don’t care who this person is, this group is not for people who regret having kids. It is called Childfree by Choice for a reason; and in addition to its name, the group’s rules state this clearly too. And in response to that comment of mine, someone asked myself and other folks who had similar responses as I did, if we’d paid attention to the fact that a member was related to this recent rejected person. I of course said something like “I fully understand that this person wanted to join this group, in the hopes that they could learn about what it’s like being CF. But if they’d looked at this group name, they’d see right away that it’s called “Childfree by Choice.” And also if they’d paid attention to the group name, they would’ve realized that that phrasing means that people who are fence-sitters or people who are just curious about what it means to be CF but who are not CF themselves, should know that this particular group is not the place for them. Period.” I then added something like “if this person wants to have a group of people who like her, regret having kids, or who want to learn about what it’s like to live as a CF person, then this person should create an FB group called ‘I’m not childfree but wish I was.” That’s the only way that such people could find each other…and to me, that’s common sense. It’s not a hard concept to think about or understand.”

After seeing that particular response of mine, the person who was related to this recently rejected group request, felt the need I guess, to attempt to guilt-trip myself and other folks who had the same perspective about this as I do. And then a couple more folks in this group trash-talked those of us with strong perspectives about the fact that this is a black-and-white issue: only people who are childfree, can be allowed in this group. The reason things are this way, is because if the group moderator starts making exceptions for certain groups of people, then yet other people will eventually beg to be let into the group. And then before we know it, those of us who are childfree, won’t have our safe space anymore. No thanks, I for one would hate for that to happen, especially in this group I’ve come to love dearly. Like, I’ve finally found my CF home in this group…which is one of the best feelings in the world.

Now, just for clarification purposes, the reason I didn’t copy/paste exactly what I’d said on this particular thread, was because there are so many posts made in this particular FB group in a day, that it would be damn near impossible to find that particular thread again. And also, as it was, that very thread had so damn many comments on it to sift through…and that would’ve been an absolute nightmare for me to do. So I’m sure there will be times in the future where something similar happens, so just keep that in mind, if you regularly read my blog.

In this same group, someone posted a topic about how they feel that them having kids would screw up their ability to live freely. And the response I wrote to that topic reads:
What you’ve said here resonates with me sooooo much. And although I’m currently single, I feel the same way you do, regarding kids being total relationship killers. And also like you, if I do ever date someone again, I would want to spend my time and energy with them. I’d want us to be able to have sex whenever we want, go on vacation whenever we want ETC. But also, I didn’t receive a lot of love for most of my life, so I would want to be able to fully love and care for my partner, and kids would make that impossible.

In this same group, someone posted a topic about how coworkers of theirs continue telling them that they’ll change their mind about wanting kids. The response I wrote to that thread reads:
It’s funny but also true, that people who say such things don’t know what they are talking about. I’m the same as you though: as soon as I find out folks have or want kids, I let them know that there’s no chance of us dating…regardless of how cool they just might be. In fact, it’s hard for me to even continue talking to potential people to date, online or otherwise, once they say “yes” about the K-word. That may sound weird, being that I have friends who have children and I truly love some of these friends as people…but my love for them exists because I know that they are good parents. But I’m tough, I guess you could say, on folks who could be potential mates for me, who already have or want kids…because I know who I am and what I want out of life, thank you very much!!

In the Disabled Feminists FB group, the person who runs said group asked us to post something that we love about ourselves. And the response I wrote to that thread reads:
I know you asked for us to name just one thing that we love about ourselves…but if you know me by now, you know that I’m a confident person. So with that being said, I love my brutal honesty. I love the fact that I’m a confident person, as it’s taken me years and years to get to this point. I love the fact that I’m outspoken about causes that are important to me. I love that I’ll stand up for my friends or anyone else, when I see wrong is being done to them. I love the fact that I’m unapologetic about who I am, every single day. I love my fierlessness. I love that I’ve allowed myself to flourish, even though both sides of my family of origin are crappy. I love the fact I love fully and with my whole heart, all the time, no matter who folks are. I love that when I connect with people, I connect with them deeply. I love the fact I’m an energetic person whose energy/enthusiasm lights up whatever environment I happen to be in at a given time, along with everyone in it.

On Twitter, I wrote the following thread which reads:
‪A Demi Lovato stan came after me cuz I said that she (Demi) has not always had a mature-sounding voice, nor has she always been a singer who can belt. I’ve listened to things that Demi has sung as a younger person and I’m not a fan of those things at all. But in the last few…years, Demi Lovato’s voice has started sounding great. If any of you Demi stans see this, I promise you, the world will not end, simply cuz I’m not generally a fan of her music. You all will still be OK and I’m sure Demi will make music for years to come. Perhaps you should‪…learn how to not go after someone, just cuz they say something that you don’t like. Perhaps you should try to understand that you also don’t have to respond to things that make you angry, just cuz you see them. Many of you are probably much younger than me but you’d do well…to at least give some thought to what I’ve said here.

I’ve been talking with someone on Twitter through exchanging messages back and forth with them. And we got on the subject of living/having a social life. And the response I wrote, with expansion, reads:
I share a house with people, but we are all responsible for ourselves and we live our own lives. And personally, I prefer to keep my social life outside of my house; I’ve learned that if people you live with know you/about your life, they can use shit against you…and will do so, if they are given the opportunity to. And it’s kinda sad that I’ve had to adapt my life in this way because I’m generally a friendly person who loves getting to know people. But when you’ve been burned time and time again, and in soooooo many different ways, you can’t even count them, that part of your truth alters the way you live and even love. But that being said, my caretaker who lives with me, is the only one I’m close to. He’s like a little brother to me. And I love that.

On a recent episode of the Love Someone with Delilah podcast, the host Delilah talked with an artist. And this artist, along with Delilah, both encouraged people to find whatever forms of self-expression they most love…and to then do that thing regularly. And TBH, listening to this episode of the show made me reflect on how much I hated art as a child. More specifically I hated doing anything that would make my hands dirty. And to this day, I still hate that particular aspect of art. But as a kid, I always loved the final products that my hands themselves had made. And even now as an adult, I’m certain that I’d hate the physical act of using clay, play dough, paper mache or any other type of thing that could make my hands dirty. And now as an adult, I doubt I’d ever go near anything that would make my hands dirty, if I can avoid doing so. Because I have other forms of self-expression that suit me much better. Ahem, I’m a writer, first and foremost. And I’m a firm believer that folks shouldn’t get into any type of social media or any other thing, if their heart is not truly in whatever said thing happens to be. And I bring this up now because I think it fits in perfectly with what this episode of Love Someone with Delilah, focused on. Because the thing is, I’ve had numerous people ask me recently if I plan to get a YouTube channel for myself…and the answer will always be a resounding “no!” Writing is what I’m good at, what I’m passionate about and something I doubt I’ll ever stop loving and needing. And there’s this toxic belief that I’ve had said to me along the lines of “people probably pay less attention to your blog because YouTube is the thing that’s most popular right now.” And the reason that I say this particular belief is toxic, is because no one should do things that they aren’t comfortable doing, whether we’re talking about getting into romantic relationships with someone they barely know, or whether it be using a form of social media that they don’t like or that they don’t feel comfortable using, or whether it be encouraging folks to go to college, when they’d rather go to a trade school of some sort…and on and on and on. People deserve to live the exact lives they want to live, that would make them happy.

In yet another recent episode of the Love Someone with Delilah podcast, the host Delilah talked with an author named Dani Shapiro. And the discussion that these two women had with each other was honestly far more enjoyable than I thought it was going to be. Like, I found Dani Shapiro to be super relatable, when it came to the life she lived and the life that I’ve lived. Because both she and I had situations with our biological families that were incredibly complicated and incredibly secretive. In fact Dani Shapiro has created a podcast where people can call a number that’s been set up for folks to record secrets of theirs that they want to tell the world about. I remember seeing this particular podcast in Apple Podcasts before, but it didn’t move me then. So even though that was the case, I did keep track of episode titles of said podcast for awhile, to see if there might eventually be one I thought it would be worth listening to. And there may have literally been one that I’ve listened to, that I’m pretty sure I also blogged about. But that being said, I may give it another listen at some point because I want to see if there are other ways to contact the host of the show Dani Shapiro (who’s the woman that Delilah featured on this episode of hers, Delilah’s podcast.